Give More Ask Less

I learnt a very valuable lesson a few days back when I was given the opportunity to open my heart and my mind to some innocent and pure love. On independence day we decided to act a little more responsibly and spend some time at an orphanage.
For this we set up a fund collection program in office and invited donations through word of mouth. The donation amount was kept confidential so that everybody could contribute at free will. Interestingly we managed to collect 12k. We bought baby products and other useful items for 24 kids of this orphanage and went there with all the gifts. We thought we were making a big gesture. But when we entered those gates and looked into those beautiful eyes staring at us, we knew how small we were. All we could do was give them some gifts. But what they gave us was love. They made us smile and cry at the same time.
That day we realized that it was not the kids who needed us. It was us who needed them. We have all the luxuries in life and yet we are not satisfied. On other hand these kids they dont have the basic foundation - parents - and yet they are able to look in our eyes and smile.
How many times do we stop running around with friends and colleagues and really look at our parents and say hi mom hi dad how have you been? Never. All we do is just take them for granted. But the hard fact is they are not always going to be there. We are lucky that we have them. So let's cherish our parents by spending time with them and making them feel important.
Let's ask for less from them and give them more. After all they deserve it for putting up with us for so long.

Love - the most difficult thing! :)

Kahlil Gibran on Love 

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Fatal Attraction

To say or not to say is the question of the day....

One of my friends asked me recently what do you do when you know you are falling for someone but that someone is not right for you. how do you try not to fall for a person who would never love you back the way you do? how do you look that person in the eyes and try not to think about your beating heart? and more importantly, how do you stay friends with them while all the time wishing you could be more? how do you work around a fatal attraction?

M answer was simple "i dont know". i dont know how the heart works. i dont know how to handle love. but i do know one thing. its always better not to lose a friend for the sake of love. unrequited love is always diffcult to live with. but its more difficult to live with a broken heart and a broken friendship. so i say never risk friendship for love.

Miss You Boo

Its been three years since I lost my beloved "boo" on this date. It's been 3 long years. It's funny how I find 3 years without him so long and the 12 years I had with him to be so short. It's hard for people to understand how you can get so attached to a pet. But its a pet who can teach you the meaning of unconditional love.

Sometimes I just want to hug him and feel that love again. It's taken me 3 long years to at least look myself in the mirror and say "I did what I had to do". I dont know how much long it will take for me to completely forgive myself for the decision that I made. But whatever it is, my boo will always have a special place in my heart. Missing you badly boo!

Famous Maddur Vada

Clouds hugging the moutain peaks

He he he........would like to don this get up some day

Mahut climbing atop the elephant

Trekking my way down to Abby Falls

With Brother at Chamundi Hills

With Family at Chamundi Hills

Mom and bro at Chamundi Hills

Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!! The famous Coorgi cuisine, Rice Balls and Sambhar.

Scenic view on route to Talakaveri

Memories

"Those days were so good. I wish I could get them back" - have you ever felt that pang deep within your heart? If you have not, I would say you are lying. We all want to go back and relive those past days of our lives no matter how bad they were and no matter how good our today is. What has come and gone is what makes us yearn the most. So when I found these old and fond memories of my family I just couldn't resist. I wanted to have them here. I needed to have them here to keep on reminding me who I really am and where I belong.

You can lose yourself in the rat race of the world. But when everything is said and done, the one place you want to go back to is "home". And the one thing that keeps you calling back is "family". They are the ones who shape you and make you who you are.

So here are the places and the people who define my whole being.

My grandmother at the helm of her youth. We called her "mothi aai" which means "elder mom".

The yesteryears Pradhan family. My grandparents, dad, and two auts. I am the exact replica of my youngest aunt.

My grandfather - Advocate Pradhan

The house where my dad grew up. The most recognized place of Nasik when it was still a small town.

The famous "bakuli" tree in our yard. This was the only bakuli tree in whole of Nasik back then.

The Pradhan bunglow as it was called back then.

View of the bunglow from Nasik main road.

The Pradhan bunglow used to get lit up during night.

The adjacent land that we donated to volleyball club of Nasik. My youngest aunt is Arjun Award winner for volleyball.

Pradhan bunglow as seen from the club area. The club is still there today and volleyball is still being played there regularly.

The whole Pradhan family with all the Pradhan brothers coming together for the family pic. This is one of our most valued pic since it has all the couples with their kids. Some of the members from the pic are no longer. Yet their memories are cherished.

The Pradhan Park as it stands today. We had then sold off the land and set up a commercial compled with shops, offices, residential flats, and hospitals. We still have our flat here. When grandfather expired, the whole complex was closed down for one day in his memory.

Vacuum

The senses of a poet go long ways than any other human being. A poet will  be able to hear what was never said and will be able to feel what was never shown. But the poet within me has started to feel the vacuum. He wants to get lost in oblivion.


na kisiki talash ho na kisika intezaar ho
meri zindagi bhi kuchh aisi hi abtaar ho

na rishto ka khichav ho na apno se lagaav ho
sunn pade zehen mein na kisike liye pyaar ho

koi bhi baat kehne ki dil mein bechaini na ho
na koi aur mujhe sun ne ke liye bekaraar ho

na meri koi pehchaan ho na meri koi yaad ho
gumnaam mera wajood benaam meri mazaar ho

chahu to bhi ruk na saku main saans lene ke liye
meri soch jitni hi mere kadamo ki raftaar ho

na koi mera qatil ho na koi mera masiha bane
dua karne ke liye bhi na koi parwar digaar ho

jane woh kaunsi baat thi jisne use tabah kiya
mujhe lekar yahi sawaal sabko baar baar ho

Where Do You See Yourself When 40?

Well a lot of people have been dreaming absurd dreams about where I would be in my life when I turn 50 or my hair go gray. On top of that they are sharing these ideas which is so not a good thing. I am being questioned. But the thing is it got me thinking. I thought where do I really want to end up in life? Do I see myself as a married spouse, as a devoted parent, as a hardcore professional - what?
I closed my eyes and what I saw was this:

I see myself carrying a rucksack on my shoulder, traveling from one place to the other. Maybe its the freedom, maybe its the anonymity, maybe its not knowing where I will land up, maybe its the certainity that I will land up somewhere - whatever it is I feel a longing for it.

I want to just pack my bag, get my laptop, and start moving around. I want to wander around like a lost soul. I want to see new places. I want to meet different people. I want to hear their stories. I want to sing in their joys and cry in their sorrows - all without any attachments. But most of all I want to capture all my experiences in my laptop and maybe someday release a book.
I want to give meaning to words through silence.

Nostalgia

Humare baad ab mehfil mein afsaane baya honge
Bahare humko dhundhegi na jaane hum kaha honge......

Lata Mangeshkar sang it beautifully. And then I found this piece by Muzarrat Nasir. The gist is about how you will miss me one day when I am no longer there.

The message is clear. Good things and people are never appreciated as long as they are there. Their absence brings out their true value. So today I ask myself few basic questions.

1) What was I doing : I was focusing more on her happiness and dignity than mine.
2) For whom was I doing it : For someone who didn't have the time for me.
3) What difference did it make : I lost respect for myself. And now I hate myself for it.
4) What happens now : We move on as if nothing ever existed.
5) What did I learn : Never trust innocence.

 It's not worth it. We were not worth it.

And I am Still Waiting

I am such a fool. My friends are right. I jump onto the bandwagon without really thinking or paying attention to details. I am probably losing my mind. But what can I say. Not her fault - not my fault.

kafi nazare dekhe hai ab yeh bhi manzar dekhenge
kaha tak seene mein gadhta hai uska khanjar dekhenge

chhoti chhoti baaton se badi umeedein jodi thi
ab badi batoon se chhoti si umeed rakhkar dekhenge


uska faisla hoga aane ya na aane ka
hum har faisle par apna jhukake sar dekhenge

jabse uski khabar mili hai darwaza khol ke baithe hai
kab tak aata hai ab woh musafir ghar dekhenge

thoda sa to woh bhi jud chuka hai hamari zindagi se
kab tak nahi hota hai is khichav ka asar dekhenge


.......and the clock is still ticking.

And There She Goes!!!

Yesterday I said goodbye to a very good friend. And I realized that "goodbye" is probably the toughest word of English language.

We had shared so many things. We shared music, food, pranks, stories, poetry, gossip at the window. We were inseperable. She brought out two sides in me that I knew existed but never accepted them. She brought out the poet and the writer in me. She connected me back to my poetic side. No matter how melancholy this personality was, it brought me some relief. And the writer part, I owe it to her. She is my "alice". She truly is that nutty yet affalable character that everybody has loved so much. She never got to see the composer side. I never showed it to her. We did have one brief conversation about it but that's that. Nothing more. Someday I will share my compositions with her as well.

But I doubt if that someday will ever come. She doesn't have a good track record when it comes to staying in touch with friends. She has given me the virtuality bullshit too many times. And this time I am afraid it's going to be the same. After so many wonderful moments I am scared that we are going to be reduced to virtual friends who do know that the other exists but never get in touch or exchange a hello.

And now that she is gone I dont know how much we will be able to sustain. It has always been easy for people to let me go without fighting for me. This time it might be the same. I know parting was hard for her too. But it has to be seen whether she lets me go or holds on.

But for now all I can do is let her go, wish her luck with her new life, and wish somewhere deep down in my heart that we stay the same. I know its wishful thinking but at least I can wish. After all she is starting a new chapter in her life. She is going to the man she has always loved unconditionally.

So all the best "alice". May you keep smiling for the rest of your life.

The Hair Knot Did It

Not very long back I was questioned over my integrity and my professional values. I was hurt. But more than that I was wild. I was so wild that I tied a knot to my hair like world's greatest politician, Chanakya, and made a promise to myself. I told myself that I will get this man to respect me for my job and my work. I will show him how critical role I play in this circus that he has going around. I will show him that I am not just another person that he can kick around.

And now I have done it. Finally, the man has realized that what I do is far more than what is visible. He has finally realized that he will have to treat me with respect if he wants to keep things sane and streamlined. But more importantly, he has to respect my experience and my art. He admitted in the meeting that he respects me for what I do and how I manage to handle so many things and issues and still come up with good output.

At least the professional front has been taken care of.

Holi Celebrations

Enjoyed the Holi - the festival of colors with friends. Some memorable moments from our celebrations.

One More for My Angel Today!!!

jane kyu aisa lagta hai uske aane se
uska intezaar tha mujhe zamane se

naya naya rishta hai usse mera abhi
magar lagte hai yeh talluk purane se

dil mein ghar kar gaya woh jane kaise
irade se mile the hum ya sirf bahane se

ankhon ki nami hoton ki hasi padhta hai
maano fark padta ho use mere muskurane se

woh marham lekar jab aakar khada huva
kuchh zakhm khole maine bhi purane se

ruh mein jhankkar meri jab dekha usne
kuchh bhi na chhup saka lakh chhupane se

koi to baat hai mere humdum me varna
apno ki chot koi baat ta nahi begane se

Today is the Day

Today is a big day for me.

I finally took Violet Blues to another level if you know what I mean. Violet and April have found their true calling.

I also achieved one more thing. I wrote a poem for my angel and gave it to her. Now all those who know me know that I never do this kind of thing. In fact, I am always trying to keep this poet inactive. But today I just showed her one good poetry piece I stumbled upon the web. I started joking how it was suited to her. And then she asked me to create something custom made for her.

My jaw dropped and my eyes fell out of their sockets. She is so uptight and within her boundaries that when she asked me to write something specially for her I just couldn't believe it. My first reaction was 'buddy she is joking she is just pulling your leg'. But apparently she was not! First of all I am not a good poet. I am mediocre. Secondly, she knows how closely guarded I am with with poetry. I just dont share it with anybody. But she still asked me to write something for her and give it to her. And I can't say no to her.

So I wrote it and gave her the paper. Now let's see what happens. She will either like it or she won't like it at all. Let's wait and watch.

It's Time

The wind chime's lost, the charm is gone
Today I promise myself that I will move on!

Happy Moments from Indroda Park Trip

I know not cool but who cares!

Nahiiiiii Vinuta sirf meri hai.......

Is this Scrat? Oh no can't be. Scrat is me!

Rest Time? You need glucon D

Chakke pe chakka chakke pe gadi gadi mein nikali apni sawari!

Maine kuchh nahi kiya! Khud aake soye the aise. Maine nahi kaha tha!

Aaaaahhhhhhh unconditional love for animals!

Attention guys! Military camp roll call!

Bilkul nutan lagte hai na? Mere saath photo khichwane se mana kar diya.

Ahemmm, she has a stick in her hands. So no comments.

Storytelling - Didn't Know I was This Good

Chingari Koi Bhadke To Sawan Use Bujhaye
Sawan Jo Agan Lagaye Use Kaun Bujhaye?

That's what I am thinking right now. I knew I was a good story spinner. But I didn't know I was so good that I can get 6 people to abondon their home within 2 hours and leave. I didn't know I was so good that I can get 6 people to come down on the streets with nowhere to go and no idea what to do. I always believed I was good at writing relationship based stories. But it seems like I am good at spinning horror tales as well. And I can act as well! That's an added bonus. "rangmanch ke umda kalakar jo thehre".

Good to know I have so much talent within me. I deserve an Oscar this time for my performance!

I will go back there again. I will go back to that house. I know the truth of that place. It's a truth that nobody knows. Nobody knows because I didn't tell anybody. So again I take the responsibility of it. After all its a figment of my imagination, isn't it?

We will see!

Teardrops of an Angel

I never knew angels can cry too. But apparently they do. And today I saw my angel cry. It was heartbreaking to see her like this. But my angel is strong. So she did what can be expected of her - put up a brave face and get through the rest of the day.

I am proud of her. She did a great job of getting herself together. She could have thrown a tantrum and made a scene. But she has grace. She composed herself, went back, and started working again. Just because you choose to stay silent and let things go doesn't mean you are a weak person. In fact, you are stronger. That is what she has taught me. She showed me that silence is strength.

And I should have been there for her when the day ended for both of us. But I couldn't. I was called back for something important and she had to leave. I tried to get her to wait for a few minutes but she was too upset to talk immediately. So she left and I let her go. But then I called her up to check on her. She had gotten better by then and she talked. She let all her frustration out and felt good.

I am happy that I can be the shoulder that she can lean on. I can be the listening ear to her frustrations. More importantly, I am lucky enough to be trusted by her to talk about her joys and despair. I will listen to her as long as she wants to talk - whenever wherever.

Its Over

There is only one thing left to say now. "Its Over".

God give me the strength to keep smiling while I kill a part of myself at a painfully slow pace.

"Its fucking over now."

Faith & Hope

Wow feels good to know that the nightmare is over. This has been probably been one of the thoughest times of my life. I lost my stability and yet i had 6 other people to support and manage And then I had to fight something so unnatually evil that it is beyond human comprehension. I still dont understand how we never saw that we had a supernatural presence with us all through the past year. How did we miss the obvious signs. But the truth is that we did and ended up in a life threatening situation.

But now its over and we are safe and sound. One of us could have been badly hurt. We were losing our sanity as well. But now all that is behind us for good. And now I believed we can start living our lives again.

And here again I can't thank enough one person that stood by me through thick and thin. She has been god's grace in our lives. She opened the doors to her house when we were thrown out of our own house. She provided us food and shelter. But she also opened the doors to her heart and let us in. She gave us comfort and warmth. And I have really missed these two things. People offered help but with conditions attached. She was unconditional and selfless. And she became a companion to me. I can never thank her enough. But I do believe that God sent me an angel to help me and it was her. She is my angel in every sense.

When Enough is Really Enough???

Nobody is perfect. Not even me. And so are my friendships. We all make mistakes. I have made mistakes. And there have been times when I have been given that one extra chance to make things right. And then there have been times when I have been denied that chance. But now that I am on the other side I dont know what to do. Should I give her one more chance to work things out or should I give up on her? I know I can go through a lot more than what I have been through till now. I can handle lot more pain and keep quiet. I know I have it in me. But just because I have it in me, should I really?

And then I think can I give it all up without making that final effort? Or more importantly, if I was in her shoes would I have wanted that last chance? Do I deserve to go through more bullshit or does she deserve one last chance from me?

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

I rant and shout and its still not enough. Sorry use of wrong words - it doesn't make a difference.

Why is it so difficult for people to see things that are simple? Or I should say they see it but they pretend not to see it. That may be because of two reasons - they bloody well dont care or they just dont feel like owning up the responsibility and make a change. I hate people who just become indifferent towards the world.

And then there are people who just want to change every damn thing. They dont even take the time to appreciate what is already in place. All they focus on is changing what is already in place. They don't focus on enhancing what they already have. They focus on reinventing the whole wheel again. And then starts the rollercoaster ride that goes on in multiple loops without any end.

And the worst part? I end up dealing with people of both types. On one hand I have indifference and on other I have disregard. And both expect me to be the doer in their case! To hell with both of them!

And Its a Goal

Yeeeeeesssss!!!! I had set the ball rolling for something in my career a month back. And now the ball seems to have hit the goal post.

I got my first closure today. I am running short of words now to describe what it means to me. I have worked my ass off trying to get this thing going. And now it has finally found its steam. I am sure we will keep on improving and we have a lot more closures in the pipeline.

And now comes the real frustrating part. I know I have something good to celebrate. But celebrate with whom? My colleagues can't know about this thing. My flatmates dont know the importance of this closure. I am not supposed to talk to people about it in the office. People who compete with me have no idea what I have achieved. I did share it with one person though. That has been my saving grace.

Its like you are given a reason to smile but you are not allowed to smile.

Rains in Desert

Have you ever felt rains in a parched desert land? The feeling is indescribable. But that's how I felt today.

Given that it was a Saturday, I had a lunch date with one of my friends. And it just happened to be so good. This friend and me - we have shared so much together. We have even been nicknamed the siamese twins by a few jealous people. But as if we ever cared. And then we all of a sudden lost that touch with each other. I always felt that we were together and yet we were not. I was busy getting things rolling and she was busy doing things. It felt like we were talking to each other and yet never shared anything. We seemed to have reached an unspoken agreement of not ruffling each other's feathers. We talked office politics and I thought what the hell are we doing. Why are we talking about some idiot who doesn't matter. Why are we not telling each other what's been going on. Or for that matter why am I not feeling comfortable telling her what's been going on with me.

But after today's lunch I feel light and good. It feels like I have my crazy friend back. We talked. I told her things from some of the deepest parts of my heart. And she being she joked and laughed and cheered me up.

If this is what it feels like to have rains in the desert I want to feel it again.

Moon River

If you are an Audrey Hepburn fan then you all know about Breakfast at Tiffany's. This is one song where Audrey lent her voice and made it almost angelic. Enjoy!

This One is For Me

What do I say? Finally I have been reduced to the level of a comic character. But at least it's my favorite character - the scrat.

Sigh the ever elusive and oblivious acorn!